SEX AND CHILDHOOD: TALKING ABOUT SEX? HOW MUCH INFORMATION IS ENOUGH
So how much information is enough? How do you know when you have gone far enough? There’s no doubt that it’s a sensitive balance. Some parents are over-protective, worried that the child will be distressed when in fact it’s the parent who is distressed. You don’t feel comfortable with the subject, so your anxiety is projected onto the child. It’s important to point out here that if a child seems inordinately distressed by the subject, for no apparent reason, it’s worthwhile considering whether they might have suffered some sort of unpleasant or traumatic experience of a sexual nature that you don’t know about. Sadly, sexual abuse of children is too common to ignore that possibility.
Each person’s comfort zone will be different when it comes to sex. Working out what you are and are not comfortable with (and why) is an integral part of accepting your own sexuality. If a parent finds it simply too difficult to deal with the issue, there are things you can do to make it easier, like reading up on the subject to prepare yourself. It may help to ask for assistance from another trusted adult who you know to be sensible and well-informed. That’s not to say that you just abdicate the responsibility, but rather enlist the help of that close friend or relative … maybe to sit in on a few conversations to get the ball rolling. If you check out the local bookstore or library you will find a book, with explanations and diagrams, that will help too.
Is it possible to give a child too much information? Is there a point where sex education becomes abusive? Child psychiatrists tell us that this can happen when the words are being said more for the benefit of the adult than the child — ‘You have to listen to this because I don’t want you to go through what I had to go through!’; when the information is forced upon them at a time when the child is clearly not interested; when the child is distressed by what they are hearing and your explanations don’t settle them.
It’s easy to tell when a child has lost interest in a subject. They haven’t yet learnt the adult social skill of appearing to be fascinated by a conversation while their mind goes over the shopping list. They generally won’t tell you that they’re upset but they will certainly let you know if they’re bored. There are signs that the attention span has reached its limit. Have they fallen silent? Are they staring off into the distance? Have they tried to change the subject? Have they said ‘This is boring!’? Has it become a one-way lecture?
If the answer is ‘yes’, then it’s time to stop and wait until another opportunity arises. There’s plenty of time.
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